How To Co Parent With The Impossible
To begin with, are you a parent that is looking out for the child’s best interest but the other parent constantly puts you down? Narcissist parenting will make you the only parent and I say this because I have been dealing with our child’s narcissistic Mother for years.
How about the other parent bad mouthing you to the children and they keep bringing it up to the point you feel they are siding with the parents narcissistic behavior?
A narcissistic Father or a narcissistic Mother will destroy your relationship with your children. Unfortunately, empathy is what got you into the mess you are in now, and it is the only way out.
Parallel Parenting With A Narcissist
Generally, a court battle with a self entitled spouse means 50/50 rights will be a tough battle. People will not see the manipulative smear campaigns as lies, they will believe it.
However, you definitely want to fight for parallel parenting and not sole custody like your ex spouse. Once you have over 40% time with your children, that is when you have a little bit more of a voice in the court room and depending on the level of abuse from the narcissistic Mother, sole custody should be your main focus.
Continue reading for more information and effective co parenting ways that have worked for the protection of my daughter from her Mother’s abuse. Disarming a narcissist is an excellent read to strengthen your power to overcome the abuse.
The Gray Rock Method is the only way, from my experience, to properly co parent without abusing your children.
Empathy Is Gold For Narcissist Parenting
There are many blogs that insist you should continue to show empathy towards the narcissistic parent and in my opinion and by experience, I absolutely disagree.
Furthermore, This would only lead to further abuse putting you on hands and knees giving fuel for the sadistic energy-sucking-vampire. The children, on the other hand, need your parental guidance.
Quotes From Victims Of A Narcissistic Mother
Here are some quotes from people who were raised by narcissistic parents, describing exactly what you may be putting your child through right now
“My mother looked at me and thought of herself”
“I became the ‘parent’ at a very young age. I was my mother’s business partner, employee, spouse, friend, and caretaker”
“Her highest praises were mocking insults”
“The most detrimental thing about this behavior is that to the child, it’s normal. It’s love. It’s parenting. Healthy people seem weird [to me].”https://www.health.com/relationships/narcissistic-parent
Don’t Buy Into The Narcissist Parenting Manipulation
Brace yourself. It will take a lot for you to do what I am about to mention so swallow your pride, and think of your children as their mental health is dependent on you. One parent. You have to remind yourself every day of it, and force yourself to believe it.
Therefore, the narcissistic Mother will never be a team player. With that being said, your main concern will be protecting yourself and your children from the abuse while co parenting in spite of your child’s parent. You should also always be aware of the narcissistic triangulation where even your loved ones may turn on you.
The most efficient ways are the following:
1. As little contact as possible without losing time with your children
- In my case, a week on / week off schedule minimizes contact between us to once a week
- Have your own separate doctor, dentist etc with the child. This also builds your own unique bond with the child to make their own decisions about you
- Having a separate doctor is excellent for court, showing tracks of you taking care of the child, as it is likely the narcissistic parent will do the bare minimum, but will make it okay with their grandiose delusion
2. Conflict / disagreements
- The other parent will never agree with you, so keep everything to email as this can give you time to regain control of your emotions, and keeping your child away from it at the same time
- Don’t try to reason with the self-involved parent, it’s a trap to make you heated
- More of my personal story can be found here, where I blogged recently of the narcissist symptoms where she portrayed me as a deadbeat
3. Expect the worst every time
- If they are anything like my child’s Mother, it’s like seeing a grown up have a tantrum over nothing every week, so learn how to ignore this and let your child see how to act civil. Narcissist parenting is challenging
- Narcissist parents are great at only showing you their dark side and posing as grandiose to everybody else. Don’t expect help as people just don’t want to see the ugly.
- Public place for drop off and If you have to record, so be it. Just try not to let the child see this. Protecting yourself from false allegations is extremely important
- Never trust a promise
- Court order or not, they are likely to not follow through with anything
- As it is hard to get something in writing from the “all-mighty” have them agree in email. It is just as legit and works like a charm this sets your boundaries as well. Just be careful of the aftermath when they actually have to follow an “agreement”
4. Parallel Parenting – Most Efficient
- This type of parenting means, “you do what you want with the children, I do what I want” week on week off and it is something I fought very hard for in court. It’s a dream for protecting yourself and your children from abuse
- This enables you to create your own social group without the belittling behind your back. Great for references and evidence when a narcissistic personality makes you look like the abuser
5. Be the most loving parent you can be
- This can be extremely hard when emotions get the best of you, but just remember that your children will notice they aren’t getting the love they used to from the narcissistic parent.
- Showing your children empathy builds their character for the long run.
- Do not cause inflict narcissistic injury like I did a few times. It turns into malicious narcissistic rage which is extremely dangerous.
The best defense in the real world is empathy.
Finally, it might not seem like it is worth it right now with all the chaos but your children will gain their own independent armor against becoming narcissistic adults themselves.
They will contribute to society instead of tearing it down with their personality disorder created by your own family violence.
The best armor you will clothe your children with is empathy. This will protect them against their own flesh and blood.
At last, you can rest assured your children will be leaving the nest with little scars and a story to help others through the agony and pain of narcissism.